moving to..... ARIZONA!!!

We are officially moving HOME!!!! 

So excited.... but really sad to leave this beautiful place! 

It's bitter/sweet! There are many things that we will miss about living in Hawaii, but it will be SO nice to be home with family and friends and finally be done with school and ready to move on with life! :)

Right now we are looking to be in Arizona the second week in January!! And as of right now it's looking like we might be staying put for a while! (YIPPEE!!)

baby dreaming {2}

After long discussions and lots of praying Brint and I have decided to go through with doing an IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). We went in last week to have our initial consultation with our doctor and learn all about the process. I will admit I left feeling like there was a lot more clarity as to how the body works and I truly think that these doctors and scientist that have helped evolve this process are just brilliant. However, I also left feeling a little overwhelmed and sad. At first I was just excited, excited that we are potentially one step closer to having a baby of our own. Closer to becoming parents. Then as the discussion sank in a little more and I got to thinking all about what we learn and what we are about to embark, I became instantly sad.  I wish I could explain in words the way my heart feels every time I think about our situation. I know that I need to keep my mind uplifted and positive, but someday's it's so hard. I am constantly surrounded by friends and family that are announcing that they are pregnant with their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc. Sometimes I just want to completely shut off my connection to the outside world. I just don't want to know. But I know that I can't do that. I don't really want to do that. I truly am happy for all of those couples that are more fortunate than I. What keeps me going is knowing that one day that will be me. I will be the one announcing that we're pregnant. I will be the one that has an adorable baby bump. I will be the one complaining that I'm sick, or fat, or my feet are swollen, or that I'm tired because my beautiful baby will have kept me up all night because of an upset tummy.
One day, that will be ME!
Knowing that I will be there one day is what keeps me going when all I want to do is give up.

baby dreaming {1}

There have been many times I have gone to write this post but just stared at the screen not knowing where to begin. I feel as though my emotions have been going every-which-way and I haven't felt any closure on anything. I guess to help me get my thoughts in order I should start at the beginning....

I remember very clearly back in May of 2009 when Brint and I had been praying about when to start thinking about our "family" and wanting to extend it. We were out to lunch and got to talking about every day things when Brint got quiet for a minute and told me he feels like "it's time!" I just looked at him for a second and then I started to cry. You see, ever since I was a little girl, whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would tell them "a mommy." Even today, I still feel that exact same way.
We started trying to get pregnant. And we kept trying... and trying... and trying...

So I guess you can say that Brint and I have been "trying" to have a baby for a little over 3 years now. Nothing yet. There are times I feel myself pulling away from friends and family members that, I feel, are popping them out right and left! Everywhere I turn someone new is announcing they're pregnant or announcing their new arrival. When that certain week during the month approaches I cringe. Then it says hello... sometimes I get angry, sometimes sad, sometimes I burst into tears and cry so hard I can't breath. Recently, I've been becoming numb. I put on a fake face and pretend like every thing's normal. I press on.

When we moved to Hawaii in  Aug of 2009 our Health Insurance that we had didn't cover very much. I started going to my OBGYN regularly. We had explained to him that we had been trying to get pregnant for over a year now and he suggested that I start tracking my temp. So I did. I was so diligent in tracking it. Unfortunately, we discovered that there was still something wrong. I tracked my temp for over 2 years... 2 years of charting... 2 years of hoping and praying that Aunt Flow didn't show her face. Within that 2 years, I was on a high dosage of Clomid that I was taking monthly. Brint had taken 2 seaman analysis test and an ultra-sound. Still no change. Still no answers.

Brint and I were talking with my OB about it all and that's when he finally said that there was nothing more that he could do for us. {my heart broke} "What, what do you mean there is nothing you can do for us?" Of course my mind started going in every negative way possible. "Am I never going to be able to have a baby? Should we try IVF? Are we going to have to adopt?"

He referred us to a Fertility Specialist here in Hawaii. After all we've been through these last 2 years, the emotional roller-coaster every month, the craziness from the fertility medication, etc. we now have some answers.... However, they're not the answers we were hoping for.

I have had many ultra-sounds and tests taken. We have done 1 round of IUI so far. After the first IUI I thought I was pregnant. I was having all the right symptoms but I couldn't get a positive reading. I thought, well maybe I'm just not producing enough HCG hormone to get a positive test. At this point I was over a week late. My hopes were high... Did an ultra-sound everything looked normal. Took like 10 at-home urine tests then did a blood test... still everything was coming up negative.  "What the heck??" The doctors told us to wait another 3 days to see what happens and then call back if still nothing.

2 days go by... Towards the end of day 2 I started lightly spotting. I've never had this before so I wasn't sure what was going on. I did a little "online research" and discovered that spotting was completely normal to have during pregnancy; just as long as it's not bright red... well it wasn't!! {hopes are still high} I called the doctors office that day to inform them of what was going on. They said that sounds normal and they wanted to have me come in to do another urine and blood test. They couldn't get me in that day but could get me in the following day {day 4}.

I remember the morning of day 3... I woke up feeling a little weird. Went to the bathroom....something was wrong! The amount of emotions I was feeling I can't even put into words. It was different from any heart break I've ever encountered. I sat there and cried... and cried... and cried. Sobbing uncontrollably that I couldn't even breathe. I remember thinking why is this happening to me? What's wrong with me? I'm doing everything the doctors are telling me to do and still nothing is working. My hopes were shattered!!

What I thought was a miscarriage the doctors were never able to confirm. Actually, the doctor wasn't able to give us a real definite answer. However, we discovered that Clomid isn't good for me. It makes me have a weak uterus lining which is NO GOOD to carry a baby in. Also, my blood type is A- so that's also a factor later down the road when we get pregnant. They also said that this might be a long process so to prepare ourselves for future let downs. {awesome.}

After many long discussions, we have decided to go ahead and try another IUI along with getting the process started for IVF. We'll see what happens this time with using a different fertility medication... I am praying that something sticks. There is nothing I want more than to have a family. As I said earlier, ever since I was a little girl all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy. Well I'm grown up now and I still haven't been able to become women I dreamed I would be.

I know that there will be a time where that dream will come true. I will say this is and has been the hardest trial I have ever gone through. Brint and I have grown so much closer going through this together. We've had to lean on each other for support time and time again especially being out here by ourselves with no family support. I know that Heavenly Father will bless us with a family. We've both received that answer. Maybe the timing just isn't right yet. The Lord knows what we can handle, maybe he is preparing us for what's to come. All I know is that I am so grateful for my life. Yes, this situation is difficult and I would never want anyone to have to suffer the way that so many do when it comes to infertility, but looking back I feel as though it's a blessing. Brint and I have been able to do SO much in the short time we've been married. We have traveled and lived in amazing places. Now that we're getting ready to get settled somewhere, maybe is getting closer for the timing to be right....

Quarter of a century

Woo-wee..... it's bee WAY too long since I've done a post. Mostly because nothing too exciting has been happening. BUT this past week has been full of exciting things!

First and foremost- BRINT PASSED THE BAR!!!!! Holy cow I cannot express the amount of joy I feel. I am seriously so proud of him. For the past 3 years I have watched him work his butt off and it's all paid off! One of the greatest feelings in the world. I think he is relieved... where as I'm more excited! (I totally cried)

Another exciting thing was I turned 25!! For those of you that know me well, know that I love LOVE birthdays! They are like Christmas to me. For instance, on Oct. 6th, 2012 I woke up at 6:30am and got out of bed to go look at my presents waiting for me to open. See, Brint had them all set out nice and pretty, tempting me the day before. So I was super anxious to see what I got. Mean, huh?!

Then I snuck back in bed and read all of my text messages from the awesome people that sent them to me. Then Facebook... oh how I love Facebook on my birthday, it makes me feel SO special and loved. Especially since we are so far away from our close friends and family it's nice to know that there is a reminder for people to remember us once a year! :)

Then I finally got out of bed at about 7:45am because I was antsy; so I turned on General Conference to help me patiently wait for Brint.... By the way, if you haven't had a chance to watch conference, stop reading now and turn it on! It was awesome!

Brint FINALLY got out of bed at approximately 8:15am and I was so happy to see him all groggy and still half asleep because he was up and that meant I could open my PRESENTS! Yippee!!

Like always, Brint totally spoiled me. I've been kind of obsessed with candles recently so he got me a few of the mini candles from Bath and Body that smell like fall... oh I am in love! they smell so yummy! I also got some great smelling lotions and positions (I'm obsessed with those too, pretty much anything that smells good). My mom and sister sent me a killer outfit - (see below)

My in-laws got me movies, nail polish, yummy shampoo and conditioner, piano sheet music, and more smelly stuff for our place.

We went to the beach and caught some fun body boarding waves, played with Dukers, soaked up some sun, relaxed then did dinner at Bubba Gump to end the night...

It was a picture perfect day spent with my best friend and our adorable dog! I was one happy girl!

Cheers to 25 being the year of greatness!!!

The Big Island, Hawaii

I've been meaning to do a post on our recent trip to the Island of Hawaii, aka The Big Island. Let me tell ya, this island is HUGE! I was so surprised! I had gone there for my company retreat. We stayed in a nice resort right on the water and it was beautiful. I am so grateful to be working for this company! One of the days we split into groups and did fun activities. I got to go paddle boarding. The beach we went to had the salt and pepper type of sand.

I was able to learn so much about the Hawaiian culture. I have a better understanding and respect for the Hawaiian people. These people that I work with definitely showed me what it means to have the spirit of Aloha. As you might know from some of my previous posts, I have had a hard time with some of the people here. How they are rude and unthoughtful. Unaccepting and judgmental. Well being able to be apart of this company that is very culture based, I was able to see and experience the true meaning of Aloha. I learn all about the Queen Lili`uokalani and her legacy. How she made this trust to benefit the Hawaiian children and their families. Then a few year before she died, she decided to include all destitute children also. What a generous women. She could see the big picture. She knew what she wanted to have happen in the future. At this time, the US had just conquered Hawaii and overthrew her. They had kept her under house arrest. But no matter what, her people loved her and she showed these people, the outsiders, what Aloha really was. She was a great example. I truly admire her. What a brave women she was.

If you want to read more about her and her legacy here is our website.

http://www.onipaa.org/

Now back to our trip....

Brint got there the next day. We stayed with our cousin's Kenny and Cleona Hiatt. They live right in the heart of Kailua-Kona, Hawaii! It was beautiful. We seriously had so much fun with them. It was so nice to be with family and playing with their adorable 3 boys! Boys are so fun!!! We had a BBQ on the beach the first night we stayed with them. It was gorgeous!

Reeves, Patrick, and Ransom = ADORABLE!

The youngest, Patrick, just melts my heart with those bright blue eyes!  

The next day Brint and I got up and went to Reeves soccer game. He was so cute running around in all his gear. It was a warm morning. I believe they won! After wards, we rented a car and were off to explore the island! We made our way to the Hilo side of the island (which is like 3 hours away!) and had a few stops on the way. We saw LOTS of volcanic rock. It was incredible how much volcanic rock is on that island... well I guess it makes perfect sense since they still have an active volcano that still produces lava from time to time.

We stopped at the Kona Temple! It was small and beautiful!

We made our way south all the way to South Point, which is the furthest south you can go in the US on land. Pretty cool. 

We stop off at one of the famous black sand beaches. The sand was definitely black but not very soft. It was more course and thicker. It looks like Oreo cookie crust. (I kinda wanted to eat it! LOL) There was a turtle relaxing on the beach... I love seeing turtles!

We continued on to our final destination of the trip, the Volcano!!! When we first got there it was raining a little and pretty cold. We walked on a little hike where you could see the steam rising but it wasn't very clear since it was raining so we decided to keeping going to Hilo and then come back at night so we could see the Volcano glowing.

When we got to Hilo we met up with one of Brint's close mission companions and his wife. They have an adorable little girl! We had a little dinner and then got to spend some time with them. I wish we lived closer. It would have been really fun to have people we knew around! They were there for pharmacy school attending at the University of Hawaii Hilo. It was great to see them and for me to get to know them.

So now it's getting close to dusk and we made our way back to the volcano. Can I just tell you.... it was the most incredible experience to see this live volcano! For one, it was freezing up at the top but totally worth seeing!

This is a picture driving up to the top. You can see the steam rising from the earth!

before it got dark.

And here it is.....

Seriously the coolest thing EVER! So glad we had the opportunity to see this and experience another island while we're here in Hawaii.

The final day we spent hanging out with family! Kenny and Cleona rented a big 4x4 truck so we could go to the most beautiful valley on the island called Waipio Valley! SO BEAUTIFUL!

We had so much fun playing with the kids. Brint and the boys made animals in the sand.

Reeves and Ransom riding the dolphin they made! :)

Ransom wrote me a note in the sand... I Love Brea! :)

He's so sweet! I just want to take all three of them home with me!

So behind us was this gorgeous view of valley! We drove through and got a great picture of the waterfall.. I have no idea how tall that fall is but it's beautiful! On our way in that was a young horse walking around and he came up to the truck where I was sitting eating carrots... He stuck he whole nose in wanting a carrot! It was so funny and so cool. I've never fed a horse before. Kenny and Cleona are total country folks and Cleona grew up on a ranch with horses and she is a pro! Kenny too... She had to show me how it's done! 

We were so sad to leave and say goodbye! I just wanted to stay there and move in next door! I'm always so surprised how surprised I am at how much I forget what it's like to have people you love surround you. I mean Brint and I have each other and Duke, but to have extended family around. And to have close friends that care about you, it makes a WORLD of difference. I always feel like my canteen is full after having visitors out or going home to visit family. I feel like they haven't forgotten about us out here. We are so grateful to Kenny and Cleona for allowing us to stay with them for the weekend and for showing us Kona! We miss them and wish wish wish we lived closer! 

We've now been to 5 islands!! Maui, Lani, Ohau, Kauai, and now Big Island. Crazy!! 

I love my dog!!

I feel like I have the best dog in the world! We just love him so much. He has such a funny personality and is always doing something that makes us laugh. Duke always lets us know if we are boring him. He will lay on the floor resting his chin on his paws and give the biggest sigh while staring up at you! We always interpret it as "this is no fun! Why won't you play with me??" then of course we think it's the cutest thing so we'll get up from what we're doing to go over to him or pick up his ball and then the world is right again!

Some of my favorite things that he does I've been able to catch on camera!

This picture is pretty much him in the morning while I'm getting ready for work... he sits between me and the sink and stares at me!!! I always think he's telling me, "Why are you getting dressed, are we going somewhere? Am I going too??" ha ha

Oh Bath time... He's such a good sport when it comes to taking a bath. When we first got him as a puppy he ALWAYS wanted to get in the shower with you. I remember the morning after we got him I got into the shower and he couldn't see me so he sat at the tub crying/whining for me. So I picked him up and stuck him in the tub with me. He loved it! From then on out he always was trying to take showers with us! Now our shower is so small he doesn't like it! So he just puts up with it... :)

The other night I was walking to my side of the bed to lay down and he hurries and jumps up on the bed and OF COURSE sits on my pillow!!!! Are you kidding me!! He looks like he's laughing at me! Like " HA HA, what are you going to do about it?! I'm so funny!!"

This is Duke on a typical day. He is really funny because where he sits or lies down he always is in a position where he can see us. Or if Brint and I are in two different rooms, he'll sit somewhere where he can see both of us! Its so funny. So this is his spot outside our front door where he'll sit. He has a clear shot of the inside of the house from this spot so he can be outside and checking on us at the same time. HA!!

This is by far my favorite thing to see in the rear view mirror. He, like most dogs, loves having his head out the window of the car. His ears fly in the wind and he loves it! I have to force myself not to watch him and watch the road!

All in all, Duke is our pride and joy! He is our center of attention and our baby. Most people don't understand how similar having a dog is like having a child. A dog is probably just easier! But he is our child and I pretty sure he thinks he's a real human boy! Our little furry love bug! :)

Floating Lanterns

For Memorial Day Brint and I, with our friends CJ and Hillary and their son Landon, went to the 14th annual Lantern Floating ceremony held at Ala Moana Beach. This is known as a Japanese tradition for remembrance of loved ones who have passed away and to honor lives that were lost in war. The Toro Nagashi ceremony happens every Memorial Day here in Hawaii. About 40,000 people pack onto the shore and the park to watch the 3,500 handmade lanterns be released in memories of loved ones.

People were starting their day off at 8am. Setting up their tents and BBQing and enjoying the Holiday.



They started the ceremony at 6pm and had everyone gather on the shore.

 They brought in lanterns on canoes for those people who could not be there to release them themselves.

The first Lanterns were released.



Just got our lantern lit... ready to release it.



 Grandpa & Travis, this is for you! We miss miss you...

It was a fun day and a beautiful ending. The ceremony was awesome! We are so glad we got to go to this. I can't belive we haven't been doing this every year since we've been here. 



LAW SCHOOL GRADUATION

He did it!

We made it through Law School!!!!!!!

Graduation day was so much fun. The Law School graduation was probably the best graduation ceremony I've ever been to. It was small and personal. Everyone knew everyone and there were so many flowers and leis! By the end of it all, some of Brint's classmates, you couldn't see their faces! It was hilarious! It will definitely be a day that we remember!

Brint's parents and grandma were able to come out for graduation. It was so nice to have family in town. I always love it. It allows me to remember what it's like to have family love and support close to you. I think we took that for granted before we left for school. But we had a lot of fun with them here. They got to experience swimming with turtles and relaxing on the beaches. Graduation day was on Mother's Day this year so I think it was a special treat for Brint's mom to watch him graduate Law School on Mother's Day.

Opening presents before graduation! I made Brint a photo book of all our memories here in Hawaii. It turned out really nice. I was happy and so was he.

Brint and I before graduation began.

There was a toast to all the graduates and families were invited.

Me, Grandma, and Mom Hiatt waiting for the ceremony to begin.

A few girls from Brint's class did hula... it was beautiful.

GRADUATE!

The entire class circled around and sang a beautiful Hawaiian song at the end of the ceremony.

Hugging my honey! I am SO PROUD!

Now here are a few pictures of Brint with some of his close friends.

Brint and I... Look at all those leis!

Brint with his proud parents!

Grandma was such a trooper. She decided to wait while we went down to the grass and hugged everyone since it was chaos down there....So Brint walked up to give her a hug and show her all of his leis. She was a little jealous!

Brint was so kind to give Grandma all of his flower leis... she was so happy!



Overall it was a great weekend! I am so proud of Brint. I feel like we just started this journey and now we're almost to the end. It dawned on me the other day that we could possibly be leaving the islands in 6 months! Holy COW! It's crazy to think about. But for now Brint is studying for the BAR which he'll take in July and then he'll start his last semester of his MBA in Aug. He'll graduate with his MBA in December 2012 and then he's DONE!. We're not sure yet what will happen or where we will go. We're just trying to enjoy what might be our last months here in Hawaii and see where the wind takes us!