baby dreaming {1}

There have been many times I have gone to write this post but just stared at the screen not knowing where to begin. I feel as though my emotions have been going every-which-way and I haven't felt any closure on anything. I guess to help me get my thoughts in order I should start at the beginning....

I remember very clearly back in May of 2009 when Brint and I had been praying about when to start thinking about our "family" and wanting to extend it. We were out to lunch and got to talking about every day things when Brint got quiet for a minute and told me he feels like "it's time!" I just looked at him for a second and then I started to cry. You see, ever since I was a little girl, whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would tell them "a mommy." Even today, I still feel that exact same way.
We started trying to get pregnant. And we kept trying... and trying... and trying...

So I guess you can say that Brint and I have been "trying" to have a baby for a little over 3 years now. Nothing yet. There are times I feel myself pulling away from friends and family members that, I feel, are popping them out right and left! Everywhere I turn someone new is announcing they're pregnant or announcing their new arrival. When that certain week during the month approaches I cringe. Then it says hello... sometimes I get angry, sometimes sad, sometimes I burst into tears and cry so hard I can't breath. Recently, I've been becoming numb. I put on a fake face and pretend like every thing's normal. I press on.

When we moved to Hawaii in  Aug of 2009 our Health Insurance that we had didn't cover very much. I started going to my OBGYN regularly. We had explained to him that we had been trying to get pregnant for over a year now and he suggested that I start tracking my temp. So I did. I was so diligent in tracking it. Unfortunately, we discovered that there was still something wrong. I tracked my temp for over 2 years... 2 years of charting... 2 years of hoping and praying that Aunt Flow didn't show her face. Within that 2 years, I was on a high dosage of Clomid that I was taking monthly. Brint had taken 2 seaman analysis test and an ultra-sound. Still no change. Still no answers.

Brint and I were talking with my OB about it all and that's when he finally said that there was nothing more that he could do for us. {my heart broke} "What, what do you mean there is nothing you can do for us?" Of course my mind started going in every negative way possible. "Am I never going to be able to have a baby? Should we try IVF? Are we going to have to adopt?"

He referred us to a Fertility Specialist here in Hawaii. After all we've been through these last 2 years, the emotional roller-coaster every month, the craziness from the fertility medication, etc. we now have some answers.... However, they're not the answers we were hoping for.

I have had many ultra-sounds and tests taken. We have done 1 round of IUI so far. After the first IUI I thought I was pregnant. I was having all the right symptoms but I couldn't get a positive reading. I thought, well maybe I'm just not producing enough HCG hormone to get a positive test. At this point I was over a week late. My hopes were high... Did an ultra-sound everything looked normal. Took like 10 at-home urine tests then did a blood test... still everything was coming up negative.  "What the heck??" The doctors told us to wait another 3 days to see what happens and then call back if still nothing.

2 days go by... Towards the end of day 2 I started lightly spotting. I've never had this before so I wasn't sure what was going on. I did a little "online research" and discovered that spotting was completely normal to have during pregnancy; just as long as it's not bright red... well it wasn't!! {hopes are still high} I called the doctors office that day to inform them of what was going on. They said that sounds normal and they wanted to have me come in to do another urine and blood test. They couldn't get me in that day but could get me in the following day {day 4}.

I remember the morning of day 3... I woke up feeling a little weird. Went to the bathroom....something was wrong! The amount of emotions I was feeling I can't even put into words. It was different from any heart break I've ever encountered. I sat there and cried... and cried... and cried. Sobbing uncontrollably that I couldn't even breathe. I remember thinking why is this happening to me? What's wrong with me? I'm doing everything the doctors are telling me to do and still nothing is working. My hopes were shattered!!

What I thought was a miscarriage the doctors were never able to confirm. Actually, the doctor wasn't able to give us a real definite answer. However, we discovered that Clomid isn't good for me. It makes me have a weak uterus lining which is NO GOOD to carry a baby in. Also, my blood type is A- so that's also a factor later down the road when we get pregnant. They also said that this might be a long process so to prepare ourselves for future let downs. {awesome.}

After many long discussions, we have decided to go ahead and try another IUI along with getting the process started for IVF. We'll see what happens this time with using a different fertility medication... I am praying that something sticks. There is nothing I want more than to have a family. As I said earlier, ever since I was a little girl all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy. Well I'm grown up now and I still haven't been able to become women I dreamed I would be.

I know that there will be a time where that dream will come true. I will say this is and has been the hardest trial I have ever gone through. Brint and I have grown so much closer going through this together. We've had to lean on each other for support time and time again especially being out here by ourselves with no family support. I know that Heavenly Father will bless us with a family. We've both received that answer. Maybe the timing just isn't right yet. The Lord knows what we can handle, maybe he is preparing us for what's to come. All I know is that I am so grateful for my life. Yes, this situation is difficult and I would never want anyone to have to suffer the way that so many do when it comes to infertility, but looking back I feel as though it's a blessing. Brint and I have been able to do SO much in the short time we've been married. We have traveled and lived in amazing places. Now that we're getting ready to get settled somewhere, maybe is getting closer for the timing to be right....